Director of Questionable Decisions
Focuses on timelines, theme night scheming, and late-night YouTube research deep dives. Known for strong opinions on buffets and even stronger opinions on themed attire.

Chief Vibes Officer
Mastermind of the madness. Makes aesthetic decisions, playlist curation calls, and passive-aggressively updates group chats when people don’t RSVP.

Chief Trouble
Wakes up and chooses mischief — usually before breakfast and never with a plan. If there’s a conga line forming, a pool game escalating, or a security guard approaching, Jake’s not far.

Not a Full Deck Hand
A little sparkle, a little chaos, and just enough organization to be dangerous. She thrives on vibes, bad ideas in good outfits, and anything loosely described as “a situation.”

Minister of Gossip
His ears are always open, his eyebrows are always raised. Whether it’s mildly spicy or full-blown chaos, he’s the cruise’s most reliable source of intel, scandal, and color commentary.

Chief Karaoke Enabler
Armed with range, rhinestones, and absolutely zero fear of Adele, she brings the high notes and the hype. Chase is the reason karaoke night turns into a legend.

Sergeant at Arms
Hates to see an unfinished drink, and has sworn an oath to protect the honor of the bar. Offenders may face public ridicule, peer pressure, or the ultimate sentence: buying the next round.

Minister of Extreme SPF
Operates under the assumption that the sun is not to be trusted. With a working theory that SPF 9000 is the baseline, he’s here for a good time, but preferably not in full sun.

Ambassador of Being Everywhere
Deeply committed to showing up, staying late, and making sure everyone feels included along the way. If something is happening, she already knows about it. And is probably on her way.

Director of Subtle Commentary
Specializes in dry observations delivered with impeccable timing and minimal effort. If he says something, it’s worth hearing. If he doesn’t, it’s worth wondering why.

Head Minister of Silly Walks
Believes walking should be expressive and occasionally impractical. She pairs this philosophy with a steady stream of stories and a strong preference for destinations that serve wine.

Keeper of Many Voices
Maintains a rotating collection of accents, impressions, and personalities. You may meet several of them over the course of the trip…if you’re lucky.

Minister of Cabins & Coin
While the rest of us daydream about buffets and karaoke, Laura makes sure we’re actually on the ship. She has the power to match you with a stateroom and the patience to answer questions Carnival won’t.

We’re currently accepting applications for additional members of the Cruise Command. No qualifications necessary — just send us a photo of yourself and your desired title. We’ll add you right here on this very page, so your friends and family know exactly who to blame later.

Sample titles (feel free to steal or remix):

*Minister of Matching Outfits
*Assistant to the Assistant Cruise Director
*Director of Sunscreen Reapplication
*VP of Dramatic Exits
*Coordinator of Coolers and Contraband
*Ambassador to the Hot Tub
*Director of Formal Night Wardrobe Malfunctions
*Cruise Cult Recruitment Lead

To join: Email wythevillains@gmail.com with:

1. A photo of yourself
2. Your official cruise title
3. Optional quote or motto (but know it may be weaponized)